play

Luke and have been writing a play. Tell me what you think about it.


















THE LORD OF THE LIGHTSABER’S FELLOWSHIP TO SAVE THE PEOPLE BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY THOSE EVIL MACHINES IN THE MOUNT BOOM PROGRAM ON THE BIG EVIL CIRCULAR WEAPON THING IN BETWEEN THOSE TOWERS TO WHICH BOTH A JEDI AND A KING WILL RETURN WHEN THE EVIL ROBOTS ENSLAVING HUMANITY STRIKE BACK BY RELOADING THIR GUNS AND HAVING A REVOLUTION

a play written by Brendan Collins and Luke Mathewson

(This has no affiliation with anything else written by these authors, all characters and places are parodies of other characters and places with no consent from the original writers and producers. Enjoy the show!)































ACT 1, SCENE 1

Setting: a grassy hill with a little blue door and a bunch of midgets running around.


Muke But uncle Pigpoo!! I can’t have these robots ready for the pushing of carts by Tuesday!

Pigpoo You can and you will or your Aunt Pooloo and I won’t fund your schooling!

Muke You can take away my funding, but I shall be a plumber, like my father before me!

Pooloo Ah, yeah, about that, we’ve kind of lied to you about your father all these years. He was kinda’ a homicidal maniac with magic powers and then drownded himself in a rowboat accident.


Muke stands with mouth agape, standing still for an absurd amount of time. Snaps back to senses.

Muke Ok. So ...I.... I am dumbfounded for two very good reasons. A. you lied to me for years about who I truly was and who my father was, and B. You said drownded!! How incredibly stupid are you?

Pigpoo Your aunt and I think you should have this.
Takes out a lightsaber, hands it to muke

Muke You’re so stupid.
Muke ignites blade, slices pigpoo and Pooloo’s heads off.

No! Why did they have to die!! They were so young!!
Enter Mandalf
Who are you?

Mandalf I am Mandalf. Muke, you have nothing here. Come with me and I shall teach you the forgotten art of the tango, your father knew it. He was the best dancer in the galaxy.

Muke I shall go with you, and learn the way of the tango.

Mandalf Good, but first I must run off to Penis Nirith, to see if your lightsaber was one of the eleventy magical ones. In the meantime I suggest you stay here and dress in bright colors and eat a lot. If I do not arrive within a year I shall send one of my trusted friends, Glider, to you.
Exit Mandalf

Muke I can’t wait to learn the forgotten art of the tango! But first I have a question that must be answered.What is the waitress?
Enter Infinity

Infinity I know who you are, Muke . I know everything about you. How you don’t like broccoli, why you stay awake at night. You’re looking for him, I know because I was also looking for him once.

Muke Oh. Well, I generally sleep very well, and broccoli is actually very delicious. But who is this him that you speak of?

Infinity I speak of the great Transformeus.

Muke Oh.

Infinity You must go and meet him

Muke . . . . . .

Infinity Uh. . .Muke?

Muke (waking up) It’s the A-bomb, duck and cover! Oh right, you. So, are you going to take me to this transformer dude?

Infinity Yes, I will take you to Transformeus. Now just relax, this is going to feel a little wierd. (takes out a rubber chicken, a tazer, and a book on Voodoo)

Muke Ar-Are you sure about this?

Infinity Positive, here goes.

(rubber chicken is stuck somewhere out of sight, Muke smiles and Infinity shocks him with the tazer)

Muke Owww! That hurt like Hell!

Infinity Huh. . . Maybe we’ll just take the car. Come wih me, your new name will be Neosporin. I can only show you my finger, but it is you that must walk through the door.

Muke But. . . . . . . . . . .okay.
exit Infinity, with Muke following and humming a Tango

Act 1 Scene 2
setting:the bridge of a starship with a palanir sitting on a pedestal in the center. A dark figure is staring into it.

enter Syrupman the Off-White

Syrupman What do you see almighty lord Tater?

Lord Tater My Hot Pockets are almost done. Then I shall eat them, and have dominion over all that is cheesy! Hahahahahahaha!

Syrupman Does that include Harlequin romance novels and Orlando Bloom?

Lord Tater Yes.

Syrupman Excellent, another piece of the plan falls into place.


Act 1 Scene 3
setting: Penis Nirith, city of pure obsidion, in old dusty smelly library.

Mandalf And this lightsaber shall be gifted to him by his his father’s stupid brother, and he shall slay his stupid uncle with his weapon a new.And it shall be the lightsaber created by a man, yet not a man by the name of the great Agent Lithp!!... Oh good God!

Act 1 Scene 4

Muke Where am I?

Transformeus Free your mind.

Infinity See my finger? Look at it!

Muke Right... where am I?

Infinity You are in the fake world!!!!

Muke What does chicken taste like here?

Infinity Everything.

Muke Oh my God!! let me out of this place!!

Transformeus Free your mind.

Muke AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop saying that and let me out of here!!

Transformeus Free your mind.

Muke AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
enter Skank

Skank You must be Neosporin. It’s good that you’re here, let’s run through the training programs.

Transformeus Free your mind.

Muke Stop saying that! Does this involve the rubber chicken and tazer?

Skank No, why would it. . . . . ? Never mind, just stab this huge needle into a random oraface.

Muke Okay.

Infinity Load the jump program.

Skank Whatever.
(Muke and Transformeus are transported to the top of a building)

Skank What if he makes it?

Infinity No one makes the first jump.

Skank Yeah, but what if he does?

Transformeus Free your mind.

Muke What? Oh yeah, jump, right, whatever, hello, echo, . . . . .
Muke jumps from the edge of the building and lands on the next building

Infinity What, well, there goes our learning experience and good story.

Act 1 Scene 5
Mandalf and Glider matiaralize on top of the building

Mandalf Muke, your lightsaber is the evil Agent Lithp’s. It will take over your brain and make you an evil guy in a creepy black hooded cloak. I would like you to meet Glider, the last of the lost fools of Penis Nirith.

Glider Yes. Now get this joke. I can kill stuff with a sword. Hahahahahhahhahahahahahah! See it’s funny because it’s true!

Muke Uhhhhh...
Lord Smellwrong and rubber chicken appear on roof

Mandalf Muke, this is lord Smellwrong and... a random rubber chicken.

Random midgets appear on the roof and a gnome

Lord Smellwrong You shall be the fellowship of the lightsaber.
You must take it to the big evil circular weapon thing where it was created, there you shall save all Humanity from a bunch of robots and it’s where you will destroy the lightsaber.

Glider You have my jokes

Mimli(the gnome) you have my pointy hat.

Rubber Chicken Squeak.

Transformeus Free your mind.
The Century Eagle appears, flys and lands on top of the roof. Man Polo and Grumbly get off it and walk up to Muke.

Man Polo you have my ship.

Grumbly Mugh, blamuhhhhh.

Mandalf You have my duck.

midget 1 And you have my... absolutely nothing.

Muke Let us go, we have quite a journey ahead of us.

Act 2, Scene 1
setting: bridge of a starship, Lord Tater and Syrupman the off-white playing a game of chess.

Syrupman the off-white So, lord Tater, how’s the wife?

Lord Tater Not so good, she has the flu and I think that she’s been cheating on me. It’s rather depressing really.

Syrupman the off-white Ahh, see this is why I don’t bother with women. Men are so much more, trustworthy...
Touches Lord Tater on the leg, moving hand up slowly.

Lord Tater No, Syrupman, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Checkmate.
Runs out of the room crying.

Syrupman Why does this always happen? Snakemouth had the same reaction. It’s ok though, another piece of the puzzle has fallen into place.

Act 2 Scene 2
setting: the top of a mountian

Man Polo Where are we?

Mimli Well, obviously we went through some sort of a space-time continuem to an alternate dimension where there are mountains and stuff. . . ..

Mandalf Shut up Mimli. We are on the top of a mountain somewhere in Anywhere-But-The-Middle-Of-Some-Planet-Maybe-Earth, now we must decide. Either we keep going over this mountain and probably freeze to death, Go around through the Gap of Rachael and get killed by Syrupman the Off-White’s evil Stormagent-hai.

Mimli We could go through the Mines of Molasses, my brother Baba would give us a royal welcome.

Mandalf No Mimli, I would not go through the Molasses unless I had no other choice. But for no apparent reason I think the lightsaber bearer should decide.

Muke . . . .. . .. . .. . . . . . .

Glider Muke? Muke uh wake up.

Muke Sorry, drifted off. . . . . . We will go through the mines.

Transformeus Free your mind.

Act 2 Scene 3
setting:bedroom of a starship

Lord Tater Enough of this Syrupman, we must carry on with the plan. You said that you had enlisted someone to help us.

Syrupman Yes, he should be here soon.
enter Agent Lithp
Here he is.

Agent Lithp It ith an honor to meeth you in perthon Lord Thater.

Syrupman The pleasure is all mine. . .

Lord Tater Are you prepared to get rid of this kid?

Agent Lithp Tho who ith thith “kid”

Lord Tater He goes by the name of Muke Faggins or Neosporin. You must find him and bring him before me.

Syrupman After that, bring me a bowl of chili.

Agent Lithp Yeth my mathter.
exit Agent Lithp
Syrupman Excellent, another piece of the plan falls into place.

Act 2 Scene 4
setting: the Mines of Molasses

Mandalf This is a two day journey to the other side.
They walk obsene amount of time
The riches of the mines of molasses was not in gold, or diamonds, but in molasses flavoured condoms. Pigpoo had a lot of these molasses condoms, he didn’t know it but they were worthmore than his robots.

Mimli That is a strangley arousing gift..

Mandalf I have no lavatory in this place.

Transformeus Free your mind.

Muke Who is it?

Mandalf It’s Mullom, he has been following us for hours.

Maullum The pigpoo took it from us, we must have the molasses condoms and the lightsaber back.

Muke Go away.

Maullum Ok, but I may return.
exit Maulum muttering about his precious and. . . doing something else,I don’t know what, but something random. By the way, I may as well go rambling on with these stage directions, you’ll never get to see the rest of the play AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Mandalf Escaped, or set loose?

Muke What?...

Mandalf he hates and loves the condom, just as he hates and loves margaret Thatcher... Quickly, this way, I have the ears of a bunhead princess and can sniff us out of this cocaine... I mean cavern.

Muke Oooooooooooook
wedding march plays, drums extra loud.

Mandalf They are coming.

Rubber chicken Who are coming?

Midget 1 They are.

Muke Who is this they?

Han polo You know, the only they that there is.

Grumbly Mugghhhhhhhh.. uuumras graaaaaaaap blough!

Mandalf Syrupman’s Stormagent-hais. With evil laser dildos! This is beyond any of you-run!

Stormagent-hais arrive, mindless sensless killing ensues with no one even considering peaceful negotiations.Muke gets stabbed but lives. Infinnity appears and then dies. Then a rancor comes in the room and eats everyone, however gnomes taste so bad that Mimli makes him throw up. Then Han Polo kills him.They run out of the Mines of molasses.

Man Polo Wow, that was close, but did you see how my Old Navy polo shirt saved the day? (now at even lower prices, it’s cheaper than stealing!)

Everyone(including Man Polo) What?

Glider I think we all know the real hero here-the rubber chicken. Wait, where’s Infinity?

Everyone Who cares? We’re off to see the wizard!

Mandalf: Um, I’m right here.

Everyone else: (muttering) Well that kind of ruins it and everything

Act 2 Scene 5

setting; the fake world, apartment building, flat number 69, sixth floor.

What you need to know Woman Yeah, well you think dat he’s da one? What kind of monkey intestines do you have flying out of your mouth Mandalf?!

Mandalf I know that he is a little old, yet I feel that the tango flows through him as syrup does through a river dam. it’s strange, I don’t know how to describe it . It’s like I’ve been looking for a blank cd my entire life. So, what do you say to that?

What you need to know Woman Look, my name has little bearing on what I do in real life. I am not an oracle, I mind a cash register at the convinience store down the road. But this time, I will live up to my name and tell you what to do. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU POINTY HATTED, BOOK READING MIDGET LOVER AND TAKE ALL YOUR WEED WITH YA. I’ve got plenty of my own, thank you.

Mandalf Fine, then I’ll go to the oracle, it’s just... it’s just that due to international copyright laws she’s not allowed to be in this play, so if you could just start reading some minds and stuff then...

What you need to know Woman OUT!!!!!!

Act 3 Scene 1
setting: nowhere important




Mandalf uh-hu. I see.... you’re saying that if I chose to live with my mother the benefits will be good, I’ll get cancer though, we found out that it was contagiuos, remember? Now repeat.

Muke Why?

Mandalf Ohhhhh Muke, you just don’t get it, do you? If you say those words then the tango shall be stronger in you then it will be or has been in anyone else. You are the chosen one, and as such must do what I say. Therefore, repeat.

Muke No.

Mandalf Okay, Muke, you’re complicating my life, just say it.

Muke Uhhh… sure whatever, I’ll say it.

Mandalf When shall I expect it said?

Muke Whenever it is when I plan to say it.

Mandalf oh.